Betty ford says i'm here all night
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
