Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
