can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
