I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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