A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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