You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
