I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
