I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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