Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
