He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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