just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
