smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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