He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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