Kiss
Puke
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
