Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
