Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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