I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
