Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
