I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
