alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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