just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
not ubering you a puppy
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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