After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
