Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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