we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
