She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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