I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
