Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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