i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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