so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
