tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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