I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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