Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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