meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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