I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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