I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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