I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.