Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.