dude i'm inner monologue high
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.