I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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