I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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