You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
