I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
