as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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