Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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