i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
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This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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