you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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