Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
