If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My cat gives me a boner
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
