And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
