You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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