i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
