i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
