Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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