you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
