shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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