Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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