I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
